current thoughts: the winds of change

big happy girl
on the way
banffish
cabiny cabin

we just got back from las vegas and st. george as you know. we went down to witness the wedding of our nephew jason. he got married in the st. george temple. we were with him as he got dressed that morning in his tuxedo. i noticed he was calm and quiet. he got suited up and said he was on his way to pick up his bride. i thought that was perfectly romantic. they drove themselves to the temple. we showed up a bit later, made our way to the sealing room, it was full of people that loved them. the sealing was very nice. the thoughts that stood out to me were something to the effect of "having rejoicing and joy in your children". james and denise {jasons parents} were so collected and calm. tears were shed but in general they were very composed. i asked denise the next day how they held it together. {c.j. and i came to the conclusion that when eli and ida marry it will be like a looney tunes episode and someone will have to use a spatula to scrape us off the floor. we will surely be the biggest ball babies you've ever seen, guaranteed}. anyho, denise on the other hand, said she felt great at the wedding. she said she felt like they had done their job as parents. she felt confident in jason. she felt like he was a good kid, mature, responsible, and a contributing member of society that will rise to the occasion of being a married man and being on his own. no looking back. she stated that that was their goal as parents and they felt like it had been achieved. it was great advice and thoughts for me to hear. it was an occasion of transition and change for their family. not a sad, worrisome time but a joyous time. as it should be.

when i came home from our trip and went out to visit my parents. i was struck by the FOR SALE sign at their front gates. wow, selling the homestead. bigger, better plans. new phase of life. a change for them, a change for the family.

eli finished grade 2 yesterday. he came home with an excellent report card. his art folder was priceless. his journal entries were sweet. he felt sad to leave his teacher and best friend connor but was ready for the summer. remember the last day of school? so surreal.

i went to donate breast milk yesterday for a friend. even though i am still nursing ida, my efforts with the pump were unsuccessful. i was empty. it was a sign. i realized that ida was not really getting anything either and it was time to pack it in. i talked with ida and told her we were all done and when she would attempt to nurse or get on my lap i would say "all done, all gone", then i would distract her with a book or a game or a drink. at one point we even said a little prayer and asked that she would be comforted and that it would be a easy transition for the both of us. she went to bed fine but woke in the night. c.j. brought her in to me. for a good hour i held her as she rolled and tossed and turned my arms, trying to suckle. she didn't cry. she didn't fuss. she just whimpered occasionally and looked at me perplexed. it made me sad, however during this time i had an overwhelming feeling of love. she handled it so well. i just held her and kissed her and told her how much i loved her. i told her she was being such a good girl and that she was doing so well through this transition. she finally went back to sleep and i knew we would be just fine. today my left boob is doing a dolly parton impersonation, the other side went on-strike awhile ago. i am hurting like nobodys business. ida has come to me several times for a hug and a squeeze. a couple of times i have reminded her that it's ''all gone" and she just hops off my lap to go play. this is it. i loved nursing her. on with life. i feel so blessed to have her. i love her so much.

we are looking again this summer for a house. i am not really sure where we will end up. it is stressful and frustrating. only time will tell.

so much going on. i drove to my parents cabin today for some down time. it's almost midnight. the kids are sawing logs. my boob is ON FIRE. mercy. i am going to go sew.